My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
