if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
