3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
