I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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