Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
