Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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