the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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