I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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