my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
