I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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