Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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