All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
