Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
