i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
