I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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