Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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