We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
