woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
