Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
