He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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