Only a mothe r could love this liver
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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