I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
