Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
