I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
