dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
