all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
