The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
