...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
