is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
