Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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