my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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