Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
