Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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