david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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