The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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