I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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