Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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