Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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