Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize