I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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