I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
