i don't like sucking hair
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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