It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize