you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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