My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
