Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
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