i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
