I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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