My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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