she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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