i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
