she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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