If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize