Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize