HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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