dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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