his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He? As in you personified your dick?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
